Tuesday, October 14, 2014

How to Break the Rule in 37 Easy Steps

Hello Blog Fans

I know it's Tuesday and that this should be a "Random Passage Tuesday" post, but I fear peering into my past today would be bad for my fragile state of mind. Instead I hope you enjoy this keen post!

 The following are the steps you will need to have picture perfect kind of day like I had today...and today isn't even over...

1.) Wake up and 9:00am because you stayed up until 12:40am watching 3 episodes of Breaking Bad Season 3.
2.) Make coffee and go back to bed and watch the last 3 episodes of Breaking Bad Season 3.
3.) Crawl out of bed close to noon, make plans to have a shower, and walk down to the store.
4.) Look at your bathroom ceiling and get distracted.
5.) Go to your basement and bring up the step ladder. This will be the first step required to begin the process of painting the ceiling of bathroom.
6.) Lean the step ladder against wall, notice the light in your bedroom is still on, and get distracted.
7.) Decide to make bed.
8.) Fill closet with all those pillows you just can't seem to get to sleep without and get distracted.
9.) Decide to put on music, but instead check your email and facebook. Spend at least an hour chatting online.
10.) Think again about choosing music and get the rest of supplies from the basement to paint ceiling of bathroom (and when you say paint, you mean touch up around the edges where you got blue paint on the ceiling from when you painted the walls of your bathroom blue LAST OCTOBER), but first don't forget to
11.) Make your bed.
12.) And search for your painting clothes.
13.) Take at least 3 tries to put on painting pants. Remember that large hole you have in the knee? You will need time to repeatedly put your foot through the giant hole of your painting pants. If you can almost fall down while doing so, this will add some drama to dressing.
14.) Finally find music to paint by on Songza (Angry 90's music which you will actually find in the "Cooking with Friends" Activity listings).
15.) After you have placed the step ladder precariously in the tub, negotiate your way up it without spilling paint, and successfully deposit white paint on a blue wall instead of the ceiling within seconds. Remember to forget the paper towel.
16.) Carefully negotiate the step ladder (in as safe a manner as you would expect a step ladder to be in a tub) to find paper towel.
17.) Find the paper towel.
18.) Get paper towel that sucks and will force you to once again leave the bathroom (while carefully avoiding falling off your ladder and hitting you head on the shower pole) to find better paper towel that will not smear the successfully deposited white paint on blue paint, but instead take it off.
19.) Once you find better paper towel, negotiate ladder once again, step in puddle of water on the side of your shower, and turn the shower head away from your face so that you don't hit your face or your arm on it while trying to paint.
20.) After you discover that the first brush blows, try a different brush. In fact why not try a series of brushes?
21.) Deposit more white paint on blue wall to add a blast of further exasperation to your painting experience.
22.) When you find that not being able to paint straight loses its edge of fun find a piece of cardboard to hold on wall under where you are painting even though you know that some of it will leak under the cardboard and put white paint on the blue wall.
23.) After proving yourself right, find more paper towel. Try not to get distracted by the amount of grime and dust that you may discover is living on the top edge of your shower.
24.) Have you wiped the cardboard clean of paint? Decided holding is for suckers? Why not search around for some painter's tape and at least make the attempt to do this job properly.
25.) When you can't locate your roll of blue painter's tape, locate 2 empty rolls of masking tape. This will be sure to inject frustration and a sense of  "Why am I trying to do this now?" into your painting experience.
26.) If at this point you realize you are actually angry that you can't find tape and you are now seething while standing in your bathroom with blue flecked ceiling and white flecked walls, why not throw the empty rolls of tape into the garbage in the bathroom?
27.) Excellent, now that you've done that. Do it again because even though you may be standing OVER THE GARBAGE CAN you will somehow MISS the garbage can.
28.) Once the empty rolls of masking tape are firmly affixed in the garbage can, move away and make sure that you ram, with a great amount of speed and conviction, the top of your head into the bottom right hand corner of your medicine cabinet.
29.) This will hurt.
30.) A LOT.
31.) But you'll power through if you then slump to the floor, lean on the closet door and cry, cry, cry for at least...oh say...10 minutes will do.
32.) Once you're feeling better, make a final attempt to paint the blue away from the ceiling with a touch of white. However, after negotiating your way up the step ladder, hit your head, rather hard, the shower bar that you have thus far managed to avoid making contact with and yet this time up the ladder you completely forgot about.
33.) Take the smallest brush in your possession and carefully start the painting process again. Get white on the blue wall immediately. This will lead you to instead clean the grime mixed with dust (and blue paint from last year's painting experience) off the top of the shower wall which is frankly distracting and really gross. As a bonus bit of risk, use a razor blade to help ease the grime off the porcelain...or whatever material your shower is made of...
34.) Let out a huge sigh and decide that you're done. Painting, no matter how much the sight of blue on white bothers you, may not be working in your favour today. You've waited a year, what is another little while going to matter? If you're going to do it, do it right.
35.)  Next, somehow mange to clean up the paint without spilling it or inflicting more injury upon your person.
36.) Make yourself a coffee and go back to part 2 of step 3: make plans to have a shower.
37.) Once you are unclothed, and have run the water in the tub, pull on the shower lever. Ooops! Did you forget to turn the shower head BACK to its normal position? Did you get a shot of freezing cold water land on your back? Did you quickly put the lever down and then pull it up again for reasons that are unknown and you will question later, thereby spraying yourself, and your bathroom floor, with cold water, a SECOND time before realizing exactly why your shower head attacked you? Excellent! When you have completed step 37 to perfection, you will have successfully followed all the steps to a picture perfect kind of day.

I would strongly suggest NOT getting right into Breaking Bad Season 4 this evening, but we both know you're going to do it anyway, right?

Here's to good days, bad days and breaking the rules

Or in this case, just one Rule,